College isn't Burger King

Thanks to the Baby Boomers, we are in the midst of what must be the most protracted version of childhood in any civilized society. I recently faced the challenge of developing a presentation on how to increase retention starting in the classroom, and one issue I knew I had to address with faculty was the joy of "helicopter parents." It used to be that if a student had an issue with a professor, the student got a real-life lesson in effective and ineffective negotiation techniques coupled with the realization that a lot of people pursue careers in academia because they can't play well with others. In case this is news to anyone: when you're in the workforce, you will have to deal with some insane egomaniacs who are in a position of power over you--it's called having a boss. You know Michael Scott from The Office? He's a nice version of a lot of the weirdos that rise to the top.



Unfortunately, what happens now is a student gets a grade s/he doesn't like, calls Mom or Dad and Mom and/or Dad take the next flight in to yell at the faculty member. The same goes for academic advisors or other student services personnel who need to bear bad news.

I'm not against maintaining a student-centered environment at a college, and if anything, I could have done without my alma mater's "you should feel lucky to be here" attitude. However, don't let all the talk about better serving students and families lull you into the belief that if you whine enough, someone will just let you graduate cum laude from a prestigious college or university.

A few points to clarify about college:

• Registering for courses and meeting degree requirements are the student's responsibility.
• All classes go on your transcript whether or not you like the class, take it seriously, were in love/weren't in love, didn't need it for your major or didn't need it at all. If you misjudged your schedule or life when you registered, drop or withdraw from the class, but don't expect the college to pretend it didn't happen. Registration is not a drunk hook-up.
• College students are legally adults. Nobody who runs the college comes up with this. It's just how it is. College students can be prosecuted for crimes if they break the law and they can be sued. They can enter into contracts, etc. Here's the other thing that comes with them being adults: the student is the only person entitled to receive information about his/her academic records unless s/he chooses to release that information and provides a release in writing. The short version of this that college employees often refer to is FERPA. Just as a friendly piece of advice to parents, I know some of you don't trust your kids. You're probably justified, but that's something you need to work-out privately. College employees are never going to disclose your kid's private information. Any employee who does so will likely be fired and the institution could lose its federal funding. It's not a joke.
• Grades aren't mailed home. (See point above.)
• Professors usually can't email grades to students---this is often considered too great of a privacy risk.
• Faculty do not get tenure or recognition for quality teaching. They get professional recognition and tenure for quality research. If you choose to attend a large public university like UCLA, be prepared for the fact that undergraduates are not the priority. Securing patents and publishing papers are the priority because that's how research universities get funding. Some fabulous researchers are mediocre professors, but as a student, it's still possible to learn a lot from a mediocre professor. The downside is, if the professor isn't very good, you have to work harder to learn.
• Keep an eye on your records. Check your grades every semester and check your unofficial transcript at least once a year. If you find a mistake, it's much easier to correct it early on. Also, you should keep all work that is returned to you and keep track of your grade according to the rubric on the syllabus in case any discrepancies arise later.